I’m so tired. I can’t even go into why my day kind of sucked but I had a rotten day. I handed out diplomas at my alma mater last night and I have to say I couldn’t help but immediately feel a sense of community as soon as I arrived. I parked my car and saw familiar faces on the street. People happy to see me. Again, it was a small little responsibility I had but by the end of the evening my checks ached because I had been smiling so hard and for so long. They put my name in the freaking program for god’s sake. How sweet is that? The speeches from faculty were similar to what they had been three years ago (2 years?) when I got the same nursing diploma but I felt like each one of them was still so so genuine. It means something to those people to have students feel as if they are part of a community. A strong, solid community that cares about them and the work they do. And just sitting in that auditorium, I felt like I was once again a part of that community. Or maybe like I never left it. It was such a nice feeling. One of my favorite faculty members sat down next to me in the front row as the ceremony was starting. “So,” she said to me, “Do ya hate it?” “A little bit.” I said, matter of factly. And she just nodded and smiled. “It’s normal.” She laughed. And all I once I felt like it was just plain ok to have had a rough first 6 months. It was forgiven. It was expected. She still loved me. And that love was there on all sides, coming at me from every direction.
“So when are you moving back?” The assistant dean said. I laughed. But, I’m pretty sure he was serious.
Then, I had to begin to prepare for my call shift the next day. Though I’m now pretty resigned to never ever again being able to sleep through the night, waking up 3 or 4 times every single night does eventually take a toll. So this morning, I headed to my call shift after yet another crappy night’s sleep and had what I thought was an even crappier “annual review” after only three months of being off orientation. The general feedback was fine, supposedly I am far surpassing expectations, but there were some things that just left a really bad taste in my mouth. Little nitpicky things that colleagues had watched me do 2,3 sometimes 4 times without telling me, “Hey, that’s not the way things work here.” Instead, they waited until my boss asked for “feedback” and only then said something so she could bring it up in my eval. Things like, (just for instance) when I told a pt she’d have to reschedule because she was 14 minutes late for her 15 minute-long appointment and I had a full panel*. I’m annoyed. And disenchanted. And wondering why it is so difficult to come straight to me when you have a problem with something I am doing. So now I feel like, people are thinking mean hateful thoughts about me and then smiling when they pass me in the hall because they don’t have balls to confront me when they are uncomfortable. And maybe instead of my boss having to pull me aside and tell me I’m doing something “wrong” we need to have some sort of practice wide workshop on direct and professional communication. Have I said I was annoyed?
Just got home from call. It’s late and I’m in the office tomorrow. Having toast for dinner and going to bed. Hoping to only wake up once or twice…
*I pulled my office manager aside at the office today and asked her if there was a policy in place for how to deal with late patients. “Technically”, she said, “the policy is 10 minutes. As the clinician, you have the choice to not see them if they are ten minutes late. But,” she qualified, “that’s usually true for the docs. Most of the advanced practice clinicians will just fit them in somewhere and not send them away.” Oh. So, somehow as an advanced practice clinician I have less rights to my boundaries? Yes my visit times are a little longer than the docs’ visit times but there is just something fishy in that explanation. And it ain’t BV. So, I have to say. I’m left with a conundrum: Following the policy and maintaining healthy boundaries leaves me looked down upon by fellow clinicians. But saying yes to any straggler no matter how late they are leaves me resentful and exhausted. Again, did I say I was annoyed??
On a good note. Slept soundly last night from 11:15 to 6:30!! No ativan on board!
1 comment:
I could see how that would be frustrating. But I would not jump to the conclusion that they are colluding against you. After all, the feedback was largely positive, right? And you have to remember that many if not most people are not naturally confrontational and may not have felt that it was their place to tell you how to do something (though that would certainly have been how I'd prefer to hear about that sort of feedback.) I manage a lot of staff and part of our review process is always to ask people for both positive and negative feedback -- I think that with our staff (and we all like each other) it often does not occur to people to share negative feedback until they are asked for it point blank by the person's supervisor -- maybe they don't feel like it's their place or maybe they are just lazy or afraid of insulting the person. So try not to take it personally or feel ganged up on -- most likely it's totally unintentional and benign.
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