Dayenu

FYI: I spoke with my mom about the use of the word dayenu for this blog entry asking her if she thought I could take some creative liberties with its meaning. She said no. Can’t take it out of context. It wouldn’t make sense. The word Dayenu is meant to mean “it would have sufficed” or, “It would have been enough.” And it refers to all the gifts and miracles god gave to the jews, like dividing the sea, and giving the sabbath and the torah and leading them into Israel and that even one of those things would have been enough. Dayenu. But no, the dude kept giving more and more. But after a call shift like I had today and honestly, at many moments in my life, I can’t help but think of using this word in another way. So, sorry mom (even though she doesn’t read this blog because she can’t figure out how to get onto the website) I’m taking liberties.

Tonight I hate my job. I just got home from what might have been my worst call shift so far. I don’t have nearly enough energy to write about it all but I just have to say I’m feeling like total, total crap right now. You know what? Enough tears have been shed for this job. Enough I tell you. Dayenu. There have to be other professions that suit me far better and that do not leave me gasping and crying and trying to get in touch with friends to console me and hug me and tell me I’m okay. It’s just too, too much. I had a patient who had SROMed two days ago still at the hospital after over twelve hours of pit yesterday with no cervical change and a cervidil overnight with no cervical change but contracting every 4 minutes and another 5 hours of a second cervidil before she hit a wall and broke down. And still she is at 1cm.

Dayenu.

I had another pt who made great progress. Who had her Israeli mother with her and her Palestinian husband and who said a prayer for me while she pushed because she heard that if a laboring woman prays to god, the prayer is sure to come true. And who I was paying especially close attention to during her labor course because she only conceived after her 5^th IVF cycle and because she had a history of many, many surgeries and supposedly had tons of adhesions and none of the docs wanted her to go to section. And then she pushed and pushed and pushed for over two hours and the baby’s head just didn’t come down.

Dayenu.

And the nurse for that patient, before we even started pushing and who I had never met before said to me in a snooty tone, “Let me tell you something, I am not going to stand there for hours and hours holding an anesthetized leg while a patient pushes.”

Dayenu.

And at 7pm I told the doctor that I was having problems with the nurse and asked if she would come assess the patient because it had been two hours since we started pushing and that’s our practice protocol and the doc told me she wasn’t going to do anything else before 7:30pm.

Dayenu.

And then the nurse for that patient paged us while we were giving the change of shift report and demanded to know what the plan was for the patient and again told us that she would not hold a patient’s leg for hours and said that every time I left the room no one in the family would help her hold up the patient’s leg and why was I not checking the patient more often for her progress while she was pushing and the doctor had to scold her and tell her we would both be coming to talk with her once we finished report.

Dayenu.

And when we finally finished report we went to get the nurse and the nurse in charge and an assistant coordinator and the midwife coming on, and we all go into a conference room to talk and the doc says to me, “Okay so why don’t you start by talking about how you felt unsupported during this labor.” And I had no idea I was going to be put on the spot like that.

Dayenu.

And my heart is racing and I am holding back tears the entire time while the nurse is telling me I started pushing too early and that she will not destroy her back by being expected to hold someone’s leg up for hours and that occupational health has said it was ridiculous for practitioners to expect nurses to hold up patients’ legs and that she didn’t like my attitude and she didn’t believe me when I told her that when she refuses to “push for hours” before we’ve even started pushing, that communicates some resistance to me.

Dayenu.

And the doctor said I was new.

Dayenu.

And I felt like no one was standing up for me.

Dayenu.

And when we finally got up to leave, the nurse said she was glad we talked and the doctor walked out of the hospital to start her 7 day vacation and I was still standing in the hall feeling like shit and definitely NOT happy or satisfied with that conversation (in which, honestly, the doctor did more talking than anyone and where I never felt like we reached a happy medium or made plans for how this situation could have worked better). And maybe I should have just left the hospital too at that point but I even fucking offered to stay and continue help since there was so much going on. I kept pushing with the patient until the other midwife could come in. I settled my 1 cm induction patient who finally got an epidural and was comfortable. I said goodbye to everyone I had taken care of in labor. Mostly just to make myself feel like there was some closure to the day. But before I even got in the elevator I started to cry. I can’t tell if I’m too sensitive for this job or if I happen to be working with a bunch of people who aren’t very sensitive themselves? Why didn’t someone from my practice pull me aside after that terrible “intervention” to see how I was doing? I am suppose to feel like I am part of a team but I feel so so alone so much of the time. And I can’t decide if my expectations are too high, if I should be in another line of work, another hospital, another practice? If I just need to toughen up? And I can’t seem to find that balance between not caring at all and caring too much.

And why is it always feast or famine? I think I could actually be learning and maintaining some sense of emotional and psychological security with even half of what I had to deal with today. With just one patient. Or, with all four of my patients but a little more support from my doc and a little less shit from my nurse. That would have been enough.

Dayenu. Dayenu. Dayenu.