Drug Reps

I have very few political morals at this point in my career when it comes to free dinners sponsored by drug reps that want me to prescribe their product. I like to think I have the ability to make unbiased choices regardless of how much roasted chicken and smooth tasting red wine someone else is paying for me to eat and drink. So, I rarely give up a chance to sit and listen to someone talk about the benefits of Yaz on PMDD if I can relax, eat buttery garlic mashed potatoes and flourless chocolate cake without ever having to open my wallet. It’s just, something I am okay with right now. In fact, I’m more than okay with it to be perfectly honest with you. I freaking love it. I love free food. I love free things. I am not embarrassed to say that I spent a good two years of my life gathering bread of all kinds from dumpsters and storing them in my freezer for toast, sandwiches, dinner parties…(It was because of a guy basically. Long story which I will not go into now but, just to reiterate, I am not a stranger to good deals.) So when a fellow midwife told me that there were some drug reps inviting any and all OBGYN providers to a spa last night in order to hear about the latest in HPV screening guidelines in exchange for a FREE treatment of my choice, well, I was not about to turn them down.

I arrived at the day spa around 7, was immediately served a glass of wine and multiple appetizers and had a lovely woman tell me all about the 2008 screening recommendations for HPV. She was sweet, not too overbearing, and wasn’t talking for long when it was time for my facial!

A heavyset Jamaican woman led me through a hallway to a dimly lit room that smelled like eucalyptus and had a massage table placed diagonally in the middle. She sat at the head of the bed and I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to undress in front of her, or undress at all.

“Should I take my shirt off or…” I started.

“No, honey” she said to me opening some of the bottles on the metal cart beside the table. “You’re getting the mini. You can just lie down.”

“Oh.” I said, a little disappointed that this “mini” might not provide the deep tissue massage of the neck and shoulders I was hoping for. I laid down on the table.

“So…tell me about your skin…” She said.

“I guess it’s on the drier side for the most part. Mostly right here.” I pointed to my “T zone” and might have even said “T zone” to her in the hopes that it would sound like I knew something about skin care.

“Any products?” She asked.

“Just a mild cleanser once a day, and a light moisturizer.”

“How about exfoliation?”

“Yes, I do that too. Like 2 times a month maybe.”

“Mmmmm.”

“Is that okay?” I asked.

“Well, it could be 2 times a week…Close your eyes.”

Light comes over my head and, even though my eyes are closed I can sense the woman’s face coming closer and closer to mine, examining my skin with her enormous magnifying glass.

“Hmmmm.” She says. “Hmmmm. Uh-huh. Not bad. Not bad.”

“Is everything okay?” I ask.

“Mmmmm. Well, dehydration seems to be your main issue. Lots of dehydration. You need to hydrate yourself. Dehydration causes lines. And you don’t want lines.”

I was immediately reminded of one of my midwifery school professors who interrupted me during an exam to let me know that she was distracted by how much I furrow my brow. “Well,” I said to her, disconcerted by the fact that I was still mid-exam. “I like to think that my face is just expressive.” I put my head back down but she continued to talk to me. “You know, another one of the midwives here does that. She’s been doing it all her life. And look at her now…You definitely don’t want to keep squinting like that.”

“Okay, well, thanks.” I said and kept working.

The dehydration blow was somewhat easier to digest. And, to her credit, the woman was right. I don’t drink nearly enough water. I settled in to the lotions and scrubs and hot towels laid over my face, wished there was about an hour more of the very brief neck rub and emerged from the “mini” feeling somewhat relaxed and inordinately sticky. Nonetheless, everyone still hearing about HPV screening and eating cheese said I looked like I was glowing. In addition, all of us who came to the event went home with a goodie bag including a few travel moisturizers.

So, another drug rep success. A free facial, a new HPV algorithm, party favors??!! I think I made out nicely. Listen, I voted for Obama. My politics are just fine.